41% is the percentage of body fat on my 4’11 frame (calculated Body Mass Index or BMI). 152 is the number of pounds I weigh today.
This is the reality check I got today when I had my first meeting with my personal trainer Matt, at the UFC Gym. Yes, you read that correctly biatches, UFC. Time for some shock and awe and serious never give up ass-kicking. It’s hard to hide numbers like the ones that came out of today but the humiliation and devastation I felt actually brought tears to my eyes. I knew I was in bad shape but somewhere deep inside I think I was hoping the “real” me, the one that I picture in my head, the one that runs long distance races, kills it on the yoga mat, and snowboards like a crazy woman, would show up and shine through. Sadly, that girl has been reduced to some pretty scary numbers.
The good news is that I have committed myself to asking and getting help in order to get control over whatever it is that is keeping me prisoner from who I am, from living the life that I should be living.
How does someone who was “marathon ready” a year and a half ago get to this point?
There isn’t just one specific reason or event and, while what ultimately put me over the edge was falling and tearing a ligament in my foot about a month before I was to run a marathon, truthfully, I had been living less than healthfully for quite some time. My foot injury took away the one thing holding me together; exercise. Life stresses, my sons brain surgeries in June and a cross-country move to CA sent me into a tailspin and without exercise my weight fluctuated up and down as I gained and lost weight trying to get back to my “normal” self. I’ve been stuck in a cycle of ick and have not been able to claw my way out of it.
I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Depressed. Stuck. Scared.
I don’t recognize myself in photos. I’ve never been overweight and never imagined that I would become overweight. I’m well informed on nutrition and fitness. I was @momactive, published MomActive.com and people used to come to me for advice and motivation on health and wellness. Something happened and over time I shrunk away from it all. It’s impossible and irresponsible to put yourself out there as an example when you are drowning. I’ve also been less than nurturing to Banteringblonde. I let everything fizzle out because I was not walking the talk and it became harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror and put myself out there.
In my mind I do not look like the pictures of me right now. In reality? The scale and all the fancy math that calculates my BMI says I am obese. If your BMI is 30 or greater, you are considered obese. My BMI is 41 and I am obese.
Obese. O. BESE.
Doesn’t matter whether I look obese or just pudgy or “solid” as my dad would say. I am not healthy in any way shape or form at this very moment. And I am very definitely not happy. Not at all.
Wanna see what I look like? I know you do! For the longest time I’ve hidden from the camera so this is really hard for me to do. This is me a few days after my 40th birthday in my most favorite place on earth, San Gimignano, Italy. Someday I will stand in this exact spot and the picture taken will be of a much healthier (less busty) me.
Here is the photo that makes me cry every time I look at it. I’ve actually lost about 5lbs or so since this was taken but I figure I might as well just put all my cards on the table. This is me at a rooftop party in Rome on my 40th birthday.
I’m going to have to pick myself up and bust out some determination. I have a lot of work to do. I really want to sit down with a glass of wine and put it off “one more day” but it’s time to put my big girl panties on and stop marinating in denial. I hope I decide to blog along the way because I usually blog when I’m happy and confident and feel that all is well with the world. I would like to be all of those things again.